“This is going to be the best Presidential election season ever!”
– No one

If you’re like me, you are dreading heated conversations that might happen around friends and family during this year’s divisive Presidential election. The race between Vice President Harris and former President Trump has political tensions are at an all time high. Everyone has an opinion or political belief that is “the right one.” There is no room to budge, but at the same time, they desperately want you to change your mind.

I think it can be helpful to know when it’s worth your time and energy to engage in a discussion and when it is not. I wish I had a fool-proof litmus test that would guarantee that knowledge but alas, I don’t have that yet. What I do have is a framing tool, the Stages of Change model, that might help you make the best use of your resources regarding political discussions. 

What is The Stages of Change Model?

The Stages of Change Model was originally developed by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente. It is a structure to chronicle and organize the five phases that an individual progresses through during health-related behavior change. This idea was developed in research regarding psychotherapy and the cessation of addictive behaviors (smoking, alcohol/substance abuse, etc.). It was originally thought that individuals go through these stages linearly. Now researchers believe that a spiral or cyclical pattern is a more accurate representation of how most people change over time.

Although this model is most commonly used in the mental health world, I think we can apply it just as well to political conversations. I believe it could be worthwhile if you can assess where you think your family members/friends/co-workers are in the stages of change. Using this frame, you can decide how much time and energy you want to give a potentially heated conversation with them. 

How to Apply It IRL

Let’s talk through a potential example. We’re at dinner, and Uncle Bob starts talking about his top concern about the state of the country. Uncle Bob is speaking in absolutes or black and white terms (“[Insert politician/political party] always does ___ and never does ____.” “We’ve got to stop ____ or else we’re in trouble!”) It might feel combative and combustible if you don’t 100% agree with him. I can tell you that it is definitively not a good time to try and disprove his beliefs, even if your heart is pounding with the injustice of what he is saying.

In stages of change language, Uncle Bob appears to be in Precontemplation (nothing needs to change!). Trying to bring up arguments or specific examples that contradict these ideas won’t bring about any change at this point. Even though it might be tempting, or seem like it is possible, one single conversation cannot move Uncle Bob from Precontemplation (nothing needs to change!) to Action (Change). The best case scenario is that you move him from Precontemplation (Nothing needs to change!) to Contemplation (Maybe, possibly, something could change) – and that can be incredibly hard to do (ask any addictions counselor!) and rarely happens in one conversation. 

So what would be helpful? It might feel impossible to sit quietly and let what he’s saying go. It might feel like all you want to do is go and hide and never see Uncle Bob again. And maybe those are the right answers, it’s so context dependent. But I want to offer a third way – divisive, differing beliefs aren’t going anywhere so it seems like we need to learn how to be with them instead of trying to actively change them or avoid ever talking about them.

Example Responses to Uncle Bob:

• “Wow, Uncle Bob, it seems like you are really passionate about ____. I can tell you really care. Is it okay for me to share something I feel really passionate about too?” (Therapy skills: Validating the feelings but not the beliefs, offering a point of connection, asking for consent to share an opposing viewpoint).
• “That seems like a really big deal to you, Uncle Bob. Is it okay to wait and have that discussion after dessert?” (Skills: Validating their feelings, de-escalation and distraction without disconnection).
• “Uncle Bob, our family rule is no politics at the dinner table. I know this is really important to you but I am going to ask that you pause that thought for now. If that feels impossible, maybe you can step outside and anyone who would like can join you in a discussion out there.” (Skills: Validating their feelings [are you catching on that this is an important skill?], asking for your needs to be met, offering options instead of telling them what to do).

The Bigger Picture

One size does not fit all. I think having political dialogue with people with opposing viewpoints can often be a good and productive thing. However, two people both entrenched in their political ideologies firmly in the Precontemplation phase are not going to have a good or productive conversation.

Repeat after me: “I cannot drag someone who is in precontemplation into action. I cannot drag someone who is in precontemplation into action.” 

(Ask me how I know this 🙂)

Something to consider: What political stage of change are you in? What stage do you want to be in? Are there any aspects you might be willing to move into the contemplation stage on?

Elizabeth Baum, MA, LPC (Temp), is a Pre-Licensed Staff Therapist at Experience Therapy Group. For more content about the intersection of life and therapy, you can find Elizabeth at @therapy.adjacent.