Assessing the Emotional Health of a Couple

One of the things I assess when I see couples is their emotional health. Like our physical health, we must tend to our emotional health to stay strong. These are things you might not have been taught in childhood or experienced in dating but they are skills that you can learn at any age. I’ve narrowed down the top 5 traits I look for to assess emotional health (they are great traits to look for those on the dating scene too!).  

Top 5 Traits of an Emotionally Healthy Romantic Partner

1. They care about your joy and pain 
2. They can put aside their point of view to see yours 
3. They are your biggest cheerleader
4. They are an excellent dinner partner 
5. In all of the above, they are “ARE” – Accessible, Responsive, Engaged

What do these all mean?

I’m glad you asked. 

1. They Care About Your Joy and Pain –

The big joys and pains are easy to spot – you get a new job or promotion (joy!), you lose a close friend or family member (pain). Can your partner support you in those times?

I also want to look at two other types: the teeny tiny joys and pains and the mixed joys and pains. The teeny tiny ones might look like you getting Wordle on the second guess (joy!) or getting seven mosquito bites on your right leg (pain). If you share those with your partner, how do they respond? 

With a disinterested nod? Or a heartfelt “That’s great!” or “Oh man, that sucks”? All a teeny tiny joy or pain needs is a teeny tiny response but that response builds so much trust.

The mixed joys and pains might look something like the illness you came down with gets you out of the event you had been dreading. Can they see and hold space for two conflicting feelings at once with you? Or do they give you a pat response?

2. They Can Put Aside Their Point of View to See Yours –

I like the analogy of a car salesman here – if you are looking to buy a new car and the salesman sells you the car by only talking about what they will do with their commission, how likely will you be to stick around? To connect with you, the 

salesman has to look at your point of view and what you get from the car. 

Let’s say you applied for and were hired for your dream job (yay!) but it requires you and  your family to move across the country (a mixed joy and pain). When you share this with your partner, what do they react to first/most passionately? What affects you (“Congratulations! I know this is your dream job and you deserve it)? Or what affects them (“So this means I have to move?”)? 

3. They Are Your Biggest Cheerleader –

This goes hand in hand with #2.

 Sometimes it’s really hard to pause our own internal reaction of how something impacts us (which is totally normal and necessary for survival) to pick up the perspective of someone else and put that in the spotlight. This is advanced emotional intelligence.Do they root for you to get that job even though it might impact their home and environment? 

4. They Are an Excellent Dinner Partner  –

You probably eat dinner (or some meal together) every day (or most days), no way around it. Do you like eating dinner together? Do you both stare at your phones while occasionally mumbling about the news? That’s fine some nights but if that’s the majority of the time or that’s how your special date nights are, something is missing in your emotional health workout.  

5. In All of the Above They Are “ARE” – Accessible, Responsive, Engaged –

This acronym comes from Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) which is the gold standard for couples therapy according to research (and the kind of couples therapy I practice!). She has done loads of research and work with couples and has distilled the keys to successful relationships down to one question – ARE you there for me? 

Being Accessible asks Can I reach you?

This isn’t only about physical accessibility, but also, when you emotionally or physically bid for their attention, are they open to you ? Are they engaged with your life? When you are in the same room, engaging in the same activity, can they be present with you?

Being Responsive asks Can I rely on you emotionally in the ups and downs?

When you get bad news, can they soothe you? With good news, can they celebrate with you?  This level of connection keeps our nervous systems calm, which is why connection is so important. It tells our bodies this person is safe, they are looking out for me. I am not alone. I can let down my guard. We need this for survival! We can’t be on high alert all the time.

Being Engaged asks Do you want to be with me above all others?

You know they are attracted to you, they want to be absorbed in your world and value you. This again is very soothing to your nervous system and is necessary for survival – you can let down your guard and fart in front of them and they won’t reject you!

If you’re reading this thinking I wish my relationship was like this – it can be! You can learn these skills at any age but they often have to be learned in a safe space with a trained professional. Knowing you need change (insight) is rarely enough to actually create the change. I recommend starting Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) here at Experience Therapy Group. With EFCT, you will learn to build new experiences together in a safe way that can totally change the dynamics of your relationships and build a lasting bond